Metatron:
[Bethany hears a noise in her closet at night. She reaches under her bed and pulls out a baseball bat. Flames suddenly erupt in the middle of the room]
Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.
[Bethany runs to her closet, pulls out a fire extinguisher]

Metatron:
Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true G -
[Bethany douses the fire]

Metatron:
Oh, G -
[Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke as Bethany rushes back to the bed and grabs the bat again]

Metatron:
Agh! Sweet Jesus, did you have to use the whole can?
Bethany:
[brandishing the bat]
Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?
Metatron:
I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid fucking... Christ...
Bethany:
Get the fuck out of here! NOW!
Metatron:
Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that ffffffish?
[Bethany realizes she's holding a large fish, and drops it in shock]

Metatron:
Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... look at my suit!
Bethany:
Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
Metatron:
Oh, get over it, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.
[he drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be]

Metatron:
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you?
[Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry]

Metatron:
Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
Bethany:
What are you?
Metatron:
I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Film

Dogma (1999)

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