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Metatron:
It never ends.
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Bartleby:
You are responsible for raising an icon [...]
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Loki:
Whose house? Run's house! I said whose house [...]
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Loki:
[to the female Mooby employee after shooting [...]
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D
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Rufus:
He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him [...]
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Liz:
He said that faith is like a glass of water. [...]
|
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Jay:
The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I [...]
|
D
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Bethany:
Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron:
Worse. [...]
|
D
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Cardinal Glick:
Fill them pews, people, that's the [...]
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Loki:
I can spot a commandment-breaker a mile away [...]
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Jay:
Sonny, let me make a deal wit ya.
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Serendipity:
The whole book's gender-biased. A wom [...]
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Jay:
I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, [...]
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Jay:
Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All t [...]
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Azrael:
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin [...]
|
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Jay:
[after he and Silent Bob join a gang and the [...]
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D
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Azrael:
[to Silent Bob]
Go ahead, pick it up. Call [...]
|
D
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Bethany:
Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters [...]
|
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Bartleby:
Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judg [...]
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Serendipity:
Read the Bible again sometime. Women [...]
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Bethany:
[to herself looking at the sky]
You gotta [...]
|
D
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Bartleby:
[to the parishioners]
Prepare to taste G [...]
|
D
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Bethany:
You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?
Ja [...]
|
D
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Bethany:
Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?
[...]
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[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict]
[...]
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Jay:
Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't ev [...]
|
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Gun Salesman:
We call this piece the Fecalator. On [...]
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D
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Jay:
[Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in [...]
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D
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Azrael:
Quit killing people, that's high profile. [...]
|
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Bartleby:
Your hard-on for smiting has prevented u [...]
|
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[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob t [...]
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D
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Serendipity:
I have issues with anyone who treats [...]
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Jay:
Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no than [...]
|
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[Liz gets out of her car and heads into Women's Cl [...]
|
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Jay:
We can lay here all comatose like that John D [...]
|
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[about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic] [...]
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Rufus:
In the three years I followed His ass aroun [...]
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Rufus:
I thought she looked familiar.
Bethany:
Wh [...]
|
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Bartleby:
[to Officer McGee]
Mr. McGee, don't make [...]
|
D
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Serendipity:
Bethany, you of anyone should know th [...]
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Azrael:
Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender:
Ne [...]
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[Loki & Bartleby enter a crowded elevator]
Loki:
[...]
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Metatron:
Tell a person that you're the Metatron a [...]
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Bartleby:
"I do believe in this." What does that m [...]
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Jay:
Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the [...]
|
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[cf Mallrats]
Azrael:
One side, red.
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Jay:
[smoking a joint]
Fuck, man, I think this shi [...]
|
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Rufus:
You are the great great great GREAT great g [...]
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[Jay, Silent Bob, Bethany and Rufus are eating bre [...]
|
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Metatron:
Behold the Metatron. Herald of the Almig [...]
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Jay:
[to the Stygian triplets]
Go back to your pap [...]
|
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Metatron:
Good Lord, the little stoner's got a poi [...]
|
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Jay:
Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus:
Y [...]
|
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Bartleby:
Don't... See, don't let your sympathies [...]
|
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Metatron:
So once he's done with the firstborn, Lo [...]
|
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Loki:
Do you know about voodoo? No real doctrin of [...]
|
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|
Loki:
Church laws are fallible because they're cre [...]
|
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Metatron:
Anyone who isn't dead or from another pl [...]
|
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Rufus:
Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Betha [...]
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Bartleby:
Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out [...]
|
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Rufus:
White folks only want to hear the good shit [...]
|
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Metatron:
Ohhh, Bartleby. Was Wisconsin really *th [...]
|
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Rufus:
Poopytrim.
|
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Bethany:
I didn't ask you out for sex.
Jay:
Well, [...]
|
D
|
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Bethany:
So you... what? Inspire people?
Serendip [...]
|
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|
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Bethany:
What's he like?
Metatron:
God? Lonely. B [...]
|
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|
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Bartleby:
[while Loki is laying waste to the Mooby [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
Do you know what makes a human being decent? [...]
|
D
|
|
[after throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a l [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
All lines are currently down.
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
So this is all about revenge.
Azrael:
Af [...]
|
D
|
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Jay:
No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rockin' the g [...]
|
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|
|
Bartleby:
I'm going to have to start off by apolog [...]
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
However, if you should decide to stop be [...]
|
D
|
|
Azrael:
Now if I remember my protocol correctly, t [...]
|
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|
|
[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a st [...]
|
D
|
|
[to the female board member]
Loki:
You're a pure [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
[about Bartleby]
He just lost it.
|
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|
|
[Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blesse [...]
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any d [...]
|
D
|
|
Noman the Golgothan:
Not born. SHIT into existence [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
You were martyred?
Rufus:
That's one way [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
I get it! Holy Bartender! That's a great one!
|
D
|
|
Jay:
You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany Sloane:
[shouting]
Why? What the fuck do y [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks far [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
Very basic strategy. If your enemies know w [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
I know they were just kids, but we kicked the [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
Are we too late?
Serendipity:
To save thes [...]
|
D
|
|
[Bethany meets Serendipity]
Bethany:
Let me guess [...]
|
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|
|
Rufus:
Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migr [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
What about sex?
Bethany:
No sex.
|
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|
|
Rufus:
[to Silent Bob]
Biggey! The door! The door!
|
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|
|
Rufus:
We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Ca [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? Wh [...]
|
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|
|
[repeated line]
Jay:
What the shit is that?
|
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|
|
[first lines]
Announcer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, th [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
[to Bethany]
The man was right about you. A [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
That's what you get, Mother fucker!
|
D
|
|
Jay:
I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany Sloane:
Why are we here?
God:
[pokes Beth [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
Hey Big Bird? Wanna play the Counting Game? C [...]
|
D
|
|
Hospital P. A.:
I repeat, this is not a drill. Thi [...]
|
D
|
|
[Rufus starts walking]
Bethany:
Wait a second! Be [...]
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
[Bethany hears a noise in her closet at [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
[after some time]
Hahaha, Holy Bartender! I g [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
His piece will be rubbing inside of your armo [...]
|
D
|
|
Nun:
Let me get this straight: you don't believe i [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
[about the bible]
I'm supposed to be in it. [...]
|
D
|
|
Bartleby:
Hello, we'd like two tickets to New Jers [...]
|
D
|
|
[On Christ]
Rufus:
The Man loved being human. Pro [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
Well, I am the last Scion.
Metatron:
Act [...]
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
Human beings have neither the aural nor [...]
|
D
|
|
Serendipity:
Leave it to the Catholics to destroy [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
[to Bartleby]
Who makes out with their wife?
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
Wax on, wax off.
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
You people. If there isn't a movie about [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
What are you?
Metatron:
I'm pissed off i [...]
|
D
|
|
Serendipity:
When are you people going to learn? I [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
Consequences schmonsequences.
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
I don't mean to sound ungrateful... but w [...]
|
D
|
|
Serendipity:
How? That's the only thing I couldn't [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
Are you saying you believe?
Bethany:
No. B [...]
|
D
|
|
[On Christ]
Rufus:
He likes to listen to people t [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck [...]
|
D
|
|
Serendipity:
Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
[waking from a dream]
I didn't cum on you, Pe [...]
|
D
|
|
Bartleby:
The humans have besmirched everything be [...]
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
You know those constitutionals He likes [...]
|
D
|
|
[the Stygian Triplets close in on Bethany]
Jay:
S [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
I don't want this, it's too big.
Metatro [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
You're breaking up with us? Who do you think [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
You know death is a worry of the living. Th [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
Is this why I had to come down here this mor [...]
|
D
|
|
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Bet [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
Snoogans.
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
Stall Bartleby from going into that churc [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
[to Bethany]
If we're not gonna fuck, then wh [...]
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
People die for it, people kill for it. The [...]
|
D
|
|
[after meeting God]
Jay:
You want to hear somethi [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
All right, but let's say we're caught in a si [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
So, Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him [...]
|
D
|
|
Metatron:
I am to charge you with a holy crusade. [...]
|
D
|
|
[Bartleby and Loki slaughter parishioners outside [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
Wait, so all I gotta do, I walk through the [...]
|
D
|
|
[last lines]
Jay:
[after the cast and crew credit [...]
|
D
|
|
Bartleby:
You know, maybe you're wrong about this [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
Why? 'Cause I'm a black man.
|
D
|
|
[after Rufus has fallen from the sky]
Bethany:
Sp [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
You know what the dead do with most of thei [...]
|
D
|
|
[Silent Bob kills Azrael with Cardinal Glick's gol [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C., w [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
[on Azrael]
So he's a Muse too?
Serendip [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
[to Bethany]
Let me give you a little insid [...]
|
D
|
|
Serendipity:
I'm responsible for nineteen of the t [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate S [...]
|
D
|
|
[about Christ]
Rufus:
What He really hates is the [...]
|
D
|
|
Loki:
I forgot my little voodoo doll.
[looks at W [...]
|
D
|
|
[Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned [...]
|
D
|
|
Jay:
You think someone threw him out of a plane wi [...]
|
D
|
|
Bartleby:
Do I come off as gay?
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
But you'll be destroyed too.
Azrael:
Hum [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
So what do we do now?
Metatron:
Well, I sa [...]
|
D
|
|
Bethany:
I don't know what to say... or think... e [...]
|
D
|
|
Priest:
Well, now please rise for the recession of [...]
|
D
|
|
[to Loki]
Bartleby:
Quit leering at me. People ar [...]
|
D
|
|
Rufus:
I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a bi [...]
|
D
|
